Today, on my 40th Birthday......

Today, on my 40th Birthday, I woke up with an excitement in my belly. A sense of adventure and change on the horizon, combined with a deep sense of appreciation to be right where I am, now resides within.

The last ten years flew by like whiplash. Didn't I just turn 30? Wasn't I just stuck in that spot of wanting, needing, hoping, for things I'd felt I hadn't yet obtained? More stability, more children, a better house, more love in my marriage. More.

I remember turning thirty very well. I was delighted by multiple celebrations put on by friends and family to commemorate my milestone. Grand gestures meant to make me feel special and loved, which they did, took place. But, even then I still wanted more and it was nothing that any of my friends or family could provide to me--I had to find that on my own. 

I'm so very lucky--the luckiest. When I was young, I'd unknowingly put out into the universe exactly what I wanted. A loving husband, children, stability and safety. It may sound bland and boring, but for me, that was a big dream of mine. I was basically an only child, and though my childhood was mostly happy and stable, there were fractures in that foundation I believed I could mend by having my own family.

I spent most of my teen years rushing my life, making poor choices and trying to tie up that package. By twenty-five, I found myself a divorced single mom of the most amazing little girl. I had no formal education, but was a hard worker and I was blessed to stumble into an administrative position that offered me more than I could have ever thought possible.

By the end of my twenty's, I was pleasantly surprised to find a best friend and my greatest love story in a Swedish intern, four years my junior. I spent two years in a long-distance relationship with someone that I'd put all my faith and hope into. It was one of the hardest, scariest and patience-testing periods of my life. And in the end, love won.

At thirty-one I gave birth to our baby girl. She was my dream come into fruition. Before turning thirty, I had the worst case of "Baby Fever." My husband was hesitant, scared and apprehensive, but when she was born, he fell in love. And I fell more in love with him as I watched him become the most amazing father. 

The following years proved to be strenuous for us career wise, financially and emotionally. My husband and I worked for the same company, and when things took a turn for the worst, my instinct to control EVERYTHING took over, and that took a toll on me mentally, emotionally and physically. Some days I can't even remember certain parts of my youngest daughter’s life. It’s as if I was absent. Thankfully, home videos and pictures have proven otherwise--lessening my guilt. But it is still a broken blur.

By thirty-five things were better and I thought we were settled. Our only new adventure was my husband’s decision to work full-time while taking on an MBA program. We believed this would be the thing that would catapult us to financial stability and a better quality of life. He was committed to succeeding and I was committed to supporting him by taking on more of the "everyday" duties, and working part-time. Our oldest was going into high school, our youngest into Kindergarten and we were in a good place. 

Spring of 2016, we got a VERY big surprise with a positive pregnancy test. This was NOT in our "plan." We thought we were done, and had taken most measures to prevent this. We were even talking vasectomy for him before we found ourselves expecting again. 

From the moment I found out, I knew it was a boy. Everything felt different. I was thirty-eight and committed to, in my words, "Rocking this pregnancy." I was not going to let my body fall apart like it had six years earlier. I was not going to come out of it with pain and stress. I wanted this to be better. I wanted to look and feel better. And I did. 

Our "bonus-baby," was born around 1:00 am, post-election night. I joke that my labor was high-jacked by election coverage. My mom, sister, husband and oldest daughter sat watching live coverage on TV, phones or laptops, while I patiently waited (pain-free thanks to my epidural) for our lives to change for the better. 

Our hearts grew exponentially when our son arrived. I always worried I wouldn't be able to love one more, the way I loved my first two. But that's not how this works--your heart expands and makes room. All of our hearts expanded and made room. Our family became better.

The next two years rushed by, but were not dull or uneventful. We worked hard, but enjoyed each and every milestone. Proms, drivers licenses, first jobs, birthdays, holidays--we took it all in. We celebrated our ten year wedding anniversary, and then our eleventh. And with each passing day, we knew we were getting closer to a change. 

I knew a year ago that it was time to say goodbye to the home I'd known for twenty-five years. The place that I alone, had made my safe-place. A little town in the heart of the Willamette Valley, Oregon. Every corner of that town had a memory for me. It was a place of the most growth for me. Pain, love, heartache, weddings, births, loss--it all happened there. The painful thought of leaving it all behind was what kept me in that city for so long. But I knew it was time to go. Life was making that decision for us. The economy there would no longer allow for middle-class family of three to live comfortably. We could stay and struggle, or we could see what else life held in store for us. It broke my heart, but I knew there was a reason behind it. 

My husband graduated, my oldest was about to, and we knew it was the best time to plan for a move. After we made that decision to try something new, everything moved like a well-oiled machine. I'm a firm believer in going with the flow, and not fighting the current. That mindset is what has always led me to the most profound periods of my life. And today, I awoke in a new state, one month in to this new period, farther from some family, but closer to others and ready to take on the new.

So, again-- today on my 40th Birthday, I woke up with an excitement in my belly. A sense of adventure and change on the horizon, combined with a deep sense of appreciation to be right where I am, now resides within.

I don't quite know what that means, or why that is, except for the fact, that today- I don't really want a damn thing. I only have hope. Hope for continued happiness and contentment that I've been blessed to find at such a young age. And I have gratitude--immense gratitude. I'm so grateful to whatever powers that be, for letting me have my childhood dream. 

I don't need the big party, the room full of friends or family in one place, to make me feel loved or special. I'm the big 40 and should know by now how to find the pleasure in the little things. The text messages, phone calls, Facebook messages, my husband kissing my cheek this morning and whispering "Happy Birthday." My little boy singing me the Birthday song, my youngest daughter making me a frozen waffle, and my oldest daughter being here. Everything I'd hoped for as a young girl, is exactly what I have surrounding me. What a blessing.

I'm not saying by this age, everyone should have EVERYTHING they desire. But I am saying, that if you don't--let go a little. Open up and let it unfold for you. I didn't get here easily. There were sacrifices, heartache, losses of friendships, jobs, ego.....BUT, I am appreciative of those moments, because they brought me here.

I have no idea what the next week, month, year, decade (Fate willing) holds for me, but I know by now to be open and appreciative, because life is fleeting.