The Edge of 44

 On the edge of 44

In less than seven hours it will be my 44th birthday. In years past I'd always made some goal for my next birthday. It was typically centered around my body―my weight, more specifically. This year I just wanted to feel good in my body. And tomorrow I’m celebrating so much more than that. 

I had a goal at the beginning of 2023―I wanted to stop accepting the unacceptable. I needed to put myself back in the driver seat and take control of what only I could…my inner peace and my ability to operate happily in a world that I ultimately cannot control.

This ambitious mindset was not without its challenges and it certainly isn't complete. I've made some hard and drastic decisions work wise, and it has negatively affected our finances in the short term, but I know that will pass. It always does. 

The healing and introspection I've forced myself to do even if it required me to be vulnerable and admit my wrongs has been "interesting." The expanding of comfort zones and self-talk has been rocky, but then something clicked.

I found gratitude. So much fucking gratitude. I realized that all of these moments that seem mundane and miniscule are moments that I'll long for later on, so I'd better appreciate them now. 

I looked at all of the people who've shown up to share the love they feel for me through their actions and time as a testimony of what I mean to them. And I started loving the parts of myself I concealed out of fear of rejection. 

Last night my husband and I had an expensive dinner at a swanky place. I decided to be brave and wear lingerie under my outfit. Mind you, this is an undergarment I'd tried on months before and at the time I picked my appearance apart.

But when I put it on this time, I proudly exclaimed "Look at me!" to my husband. I couldn't believe it came out of my mouth. I found nothing in the mirror to criticize―I rejected any negative thoughts. Progress.

After getting dressed, I hustled out of the house to avoid any opportunity to look in the mirror and obsess over a wrinkle or another imperfection I could manifest. Instead I choose to stay in the moment and make a memory with my husband.

We had a wonderful dinner eating, drinking and talking about our hopes and goals for the next year. We made a quick stop at our oldest daughter's apartment on the way home. I know, not much of a sexy night, but the fact that I could call a twenty-two-year-old up on a Saturday night and she excitedly told me to stop by is another affirmation of how lucky I am.

After the short visit we drove home with the windows down, music up loud and wind blowing through our hair as we headed toward the golden hour sunset.

Once home I freshened up for part two―dance party in our underwear. My husband indulged me, but it had been my plan all along. As of late, I've found a reason to incorporate dance into my life every day. Music is to be enjoyed and it feels so good to celebrate it. So for this occasion, I pre-made a special playlist.

We had the house to ourselves with exception of our big black lab, but even he got into the festivities. And for the next few hours we were young and free without any obligations. Happily in our bubble of fun and relaxation. And we slow danced. I don't think in 17 years, we've actually ever slow danced, as we had a courthouse wedding and no real reception. But last night, we did.

We wound down the evening with some chips and TV and called it an earlier night than I expected. This morning we enjoyed a walk with the dog and a quiet start to the day. And I just can't stop thinking about last night. I can't stop reminiscing about the way it felt the moment I realized that for the first time in my life, I FINALLY feel good being me. 

Happy 44th, Emy J. Happy Birthday to me.