For the last week I haven't had much interest in writing my current book. I am not sure why, as I was sort of on a roll for a while. However, I remind myself that I did this with The Nostalgia Effect, as I once went a whole month without touching it.
Deep down, I feel that I owe it to this story to finish it. I owe it to the characters that I have manifested in my mind and brought alive on paper. Unfortunately, I worry that I am letting them down and not doing them justice. I feel as if I haven't given them enough time, detail or attention. So for now they are frozen, on pause and in limbo -- waiting for me to make a decision.
Sometimes when I wake up at night and cannot fall back to sleep, I start creating plot lines in my head. Of course the next morning, I am unclear about what I came up with and therefore I let them down again. Any Pro would probably tell me to write these things down when I think of them -- trust me I know I should. I am just being "lazy," for lack of a better word. And instead of working on my book, I opt to blog about how I have no motivation to write, in hopes that I will come to a conclusion about what to do next. So far, not so good.
After The Nostalgia Effect continued to receive only 5 star reviews from readers, I started to feel a bit panicked. Believe me, I was thrilled! It was validation that I could write. And regardless that I have
been rejected by various agents, I still haven't become
jaded or unsure of my last book. I was passionate about it, it belonged
to me, and in a sense, it was easy to write. Mostly because it was so
personal, as I took from actual life experiences and events. My current project touches on places I have been, or similar experiences I
have had myself, but nothing is based on an actual occurrence, which is
perhaps why it is so difficult for me to write it.
BUT, I think I finally know what is plaguing me -- it's the fear of "underwriting." What is "underwriting"? Most of us may know that term as a process in which a contract goes through. For me, it is my definition of producing something that doesn't quite measure up to my last book and fails to capture the attention of the audience. Some may call that "uninteresting," but that would just be a description of the book after I "underwrote" it.
Don't get me wrong, I love my characters and there are some scenes that I could read over and over again. But if I am not fully buying the story, why should a reader? Do I want to abandon it? NO. Do I want to scratch it up and start all over? NO. But I DO want to give readers what they deserve -- a good story. I want to avoid "underwriting."
I suppose this is common territory for other writers. It is probably just growing pains for a "green" author like myself. Nonetheless, it is annoying and causes occasional moments of fret and doubt. And at the end of the day, I can only hope that I have more than one book left in me.
Happy Tuesday Friends. May your week be joyous!