It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Screw This

Today a woman was woken up one hour before she needed to be by her three-year-old son, who was hungry. She lovingly took him downstairs, pushed the Brew button on the coffee pot, and fumbled in the dimly lit kitchen as she made her kiddo cereal. 

As the coffee brewed she thought a little Christmas ambiance would be nice. As she bent over to plug in the Christmas tree lights, she heard the sound of brittle pine needles falling off the dying tree onto the presents under it, so the lights remained off in fear of a fire hazard. She must keep this tree alive until Christmas morning, or the magic will be lost.

After sucking down a cup of coffee at record speed, battling with her toddler about his screaming waking up the rest of the house, arguing with her husband about not wiping up water around the rim of the sink that ALWAYS seems to get her shirt wet after he uses it, and sending a now crying toddler on his way to daycare, she finally had an hour to get some work done before taking her middle child to school. 

After the regular school drop off, she thought it would be a good idea to get some errands out of the way. Heading to the grocery store, she tried to keep her spirits up and be pleasant and smile to each person she came across....it's Christmas time....it's the season of joy and hope, right?

Feeling as if she'd annoyed an employee with too many questions about the location of saffron and raisins, she made her way with a cart full of groceries to the checkout stand, where she and a nice cashier had a chat about the holidays and how stressful they can be. Finally, someone she could relate to (she thought), and perhaps she'd made their day by empathizing with them. As she left, she made a point to wish the cashier and the courtesy clerk a Merry Christmas by name and felt a little lighter having made nice conversation. 

While crossing the parking lot to her car, she made sure to smile and wave at the driver of the car who stopped for her. This time of year is stressful on everyone and it's important to be kind, as we never know what someone else is going through. As she loaded her groceries into her trunk, a box of sparkling water cans ripped and one fell on the ground, requiring her to grab it before it rolled away while balancing the half opened water box on her leg. Embarrassed and quickly trying to shove it all in the car, she banged the top of her head on her trunk. Dammit!

After collecting herself, and fighting off tears, though she had no idea why she felt like crying other than her banged head, she made her way to a department store to pick out a western style shirt for her nine-year-old daughter, who needed it for a school Spirit Day. Luckily, she found one and this lifted her spirits. Still trying to be mindful of the holiday spirit, she let an elderly person go ahead of her in line, again waved to thank the person who allowed her to cross the parking lot, stopped at Starbucks for a treat and made her way home while making phone calls for work. 

Finally, home to unload the groceries and devour the egg bites she felt she deserved after all of this. Following this simple moment of pleasure, she began unpacking her bags and noticed the frozen chicken nuggets bag had ripped and she had no idea if it was purchased like this or not. Increasingly annoyed, she tossed the bag into the trash so as to not risk illness in the family, as she'd already spent five days disinfecting and bleaching whatever stomach flu had recently claimed members of her household’s digestive tracts. She would NOT risk food poisoning on top of it, no Sir!

After tossing the nuggets, she grabbed another grocery bag, only to have it rip in half and the contents spill to the floor. As she stared at the mouthwash now lying on the floor, she felt the Holly Jolliness leave her completely and a feeling of defeat overwhelmed her instead. Not even 11:00 am and she felt like small things were piling on. Nothing was going right and interruptions were abundant. She. Was. Done.

Isn't this supposed to be the most magical time of the year? Well, Bing Crosby thought so, because almost on cue, the Pandora app on her smart phone suddenly started playing "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" randomly and without initiation on her part, piping through the kitchen and stopping her in her tracks. But rather than feel frightened, or laughing about this unwelcomed event, she glared with despise at her phone. No, Bing! This is NOT the most wonderful time of the year! And it may LOOK a lot like Christmas, thanks to her ability to make Christmas magic with the tree, lights, peppermint scented wax melts, presents under the tree, cozy blankets, Christmas-themed pillows, and garlands galore, but Mom isn't feeling the frickin' magic....Mom is feeling EXHAUSTED!!!!

And this, folks, is the moment in which I felt like finding a green fuzzy Grinch costume, hiking up to the top of a hill and hiding out until the spring. This woman is me. But I can't help but feel like this woman is many of us. 

This is honestly the time of year I get most excited about. But then somewhere in the midst of all the "magic" I feel tired, frustrated, inadequate and OVER IT! I've been told to "stop doing so much" and "no one is asking you to do these things." But that's the whole point...no one HAS to ask. They’re simply done, by us, and if they are NOT done, then we are asked, when will it be done, or how come it wasn't done? 

Apparently, some time ago, let's say about 18 years ago, when I committed to being THAT mom, I set a precedent for how Christmas would be in our house for the rest of eternity. If I missed even ONE "tradition" that I had done before, something was off and the holiday just wasn't the same. Being a people-pleaser, I’ve had a hard time not living up to the expectations I set for myself that now others hold for me as well. That. Sucks. And now I’m feeling like the scroogiest Scrooge there ever was. I want to throw the dying tree out into the street, unwrap all the presents just to expedite this damn holiday, and then take a LONG winter’s nap until it's warm enough to go outside without a parka.

But instead, I’ll take a deep breath and remind myself that even though I feel like day drinking martinis and binge watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, this is often NOT the most wonderful time of the year and I am not alone in that feeling. Even more than that, I’m actually blessed to have these problems. Being fortunate doesn’t mean I can’t feel stressed or a little depressed. It doesn’t negate those feelings. But it does put into perspective how my “problems” could be someone else’s desires.

I GOT to get up with my kids and husband today. I GOT to go buy groceries, clothes and a Starbucks coffee. I GOT to come home and despise my smart phone for eerily playing Christmas music as I was having a "Merry Meltdown" over chicken nuggets. I GET the opportunity and privilege to make "Christmas Magic" for my family, and so many others do not. 

So what does that mean for my feelings of anxiety, frustration, and exhaustion over the holiday? It doesn't make them nonexistent, but it does remind me that there are many who have bigger stresses than making a holiday a giant explosion of wonderfulness, like even having Christmas or any of the privileges that many of us find mundane.

Truth is, I'll continue to try and make it the most "magical" time of the year for those I love, and it will be work for another week. And then next year, I'll get excited, forgetting how much work it is (like childbirth) and be ready to do it all over again like a damn fool, if I still have the good fortune to do so.

This time of year is hard for many, for various reasons. I'm not ignorant of that fact and even more aware of it now as I write my blog filled with "First World Problems." But my hope, in the TRUE spirit of this season, is that each and every one of you who may also be struggling with the "Jingle Bell Blues" or anything else happening in your life right now, finds some solace in knowing that this is literally just a season. And if you have the ability to help another or to see past the "bah-humbug" that may reside in another and have a little compassion as to what they may be going through, you will. 

My thoughts are with all of you this year and I wish you all a very Happy Holiday and a prosperous New Year.

Cheers!

EJ